You're Not In This Alone
by xohvengeance
Summary: Sirius Black finds Remus Lupin in a rather dark state of mind.
1. Let Me Break This Awkward Silence

**Author's Note:**

**I started reading this through and I was wondering how you all put up with my stupid mistakes. So I'm going back and editing it all for you!  
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**Pairing: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. **

**Rating: M for harsh swearing, depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and what could look like a suicide attempt. There are mentions of prostitution, drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. Although this is a slash pairing, there will be no boysex. So, if you were worried that you would be reading porn, don't worry, you won't be.  
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**Please review so that my lifestyle as a starving artist could be fed.**

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><p>The lanky, sixteen year old Remus Lupin was sitting sullenly on his four-post bed in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory with the curtains drawn around him, creating a world of isolation. His friends had just left for dinner. When they questioned him as to why he wasn't going down, he said that he wanted to get a quick start on the Potions assignment before he went to dinner. Unfortunately that was all just a terrible lie.<p>

Ever since his childhood misfortune of being attacked by Fenrir Greyback, Remus had always been a far from normal child. Growing up in a household of unloving parents who were too traumatized by the fact that their little boy was a wretched beast, took a toll on Remus. Depression hung upon his shoulders since he was a third year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The form of his depression varied with each year.

His lycanthropy was the central cause of the sadness in Remus' life. It was like the center point of a spinning wheel, and the spokes connected to this base had all evolved around and been morphed by his wretched state of being. His parents hated him for being a werewolf, a fate he could not control. He lived in misery, moving from one house to the next, each house deeper into the woods and shabbier from the lack of wealth in the Lupin family, which was, of course, because of his problem. Tuition was expected for Remus' education at Hogwarts. Bills needed to be paid to St. Mungo's from the night of his fatal attack and three months after. Soon, the Lupin's were forced to take him there on his most horrid of full moon nights, costing them more from there little paychecks. The hopeless search for a cure for his disease drained them of their money. With all these expenses, the family house continued to shrink in size in order for the family to pay it off. Food was a savored treat when there were several coins left around. There were always small amounts of muggle money to afford the cigarettes and alcohol his parents desperately craved to drown their sorrows though. Remus knew he had tortured his parents to this brink of madness. He knew he deserved their hatred towards him. It just pained him to know that his own family could never love him for something out of his control.

His lycanthropy would be the reason why Remus would never find a job in his life, both in the muggle aspect and wizarding aspect. And by job, anything that was above the standards of "moral" was deemed acceptable. He would never be hired by wizards; they dreaded far too much how a werewolf would affect the business and those witches and wizards they hired that considering a person with lycanthropy would be out of the question. In the muggle world, no explanation would persuade a manager to hire the man looking for days off during the month. Sure, he could take a route of destruction: sell his body for those people swimming in lust, sell drugs to those people so desperately looking for a high. Anything against a normal person's standards on a job was what Remus had as a career path in the future. He feared what would happen, resulting in restless paranoia.

His lycanthropy almost cost him his friendship with the few boys he met at Hogwarts when they found out. Sirius Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew befriended Remus in their first year in a manner that almost seem to be out of pity. But soon enough, the boys had become great friends with one another, although they were all different in their own way. Remus never intended on telling the others that he was a werewolf. He constantly lied about visiting his sick mother just so he could remain friends with the other three while he kept his secret under wraps. This method worked until their second year, when the three boys put two and two together to figure out the dark secret their supposed friend had kept hidden. All three of the young wizards had been raised in pure-blood households, unlike Remus' half-blood ancestry from his mother. Despite their childish age, James, Peter and Sirius knew how terrible it was to know a werewolf, let alone be friends with one. At first, they decided to ignore the poor boy, mainly because he never told them what he really was, but also because of who he was. Eventually, they overcame their prejudices and soon became friends again. Remus understood that his friendship with the boys was special, especially when they learned how to become animagi just for him on full moon knights, but he also knew that his friendship with them could lead them to their graves, or worse, to a fate as tragic as the one of Remus. Knowing this troubled Remus greatly, leaving him with high multitudes of panicking, with the only method of release being a knife nicked from the kitchens forced through his skin.

The depression he was in during his sixth year led Remus to that blade once again. This sorrow that lurked inside his bones was that of love. Unrequited love to be exact. And not a desire for any old bird in Hogwarts, but a boy instead. To make matters worse, the boy wasn't just any random student, but his best friend, Sirius Black. The boy loved by almost every female student that roamed the school. Sirius fancied what girls could offer him: the sweet taste of their lips, the soft battering of their eyelashes, the tender touch of their skin, the flowery scent basked in their hair and so many other things that are far from being appropriate. He loved the way they Hogwarts uniform pressed against their body. He loved the way the skirt moved as they walked ahead of him. He was all for the women, and they were all for him. He was practically gold in their eyes. His ravenous locks caressed his flawless face. His jaw line was sharp, his eyes were mysterious. Quidditch left him more muscular than most boys his age. He dressed in the careless fashion that girls adored. He was into all things rebellious, but he still managed to succeed in school. He was the ideal boy for any hormonal girl.

Unfortunately, Remus felt the same way as the girls did, and he knew it was wrong. He should love a boy, let alone his best friend. He should desire his touch, taste, scent, anything. They were friends and nothing more, a concept proven difficult for him to grasp. A concept that quieted itself from the sting of the knife.

This is what Remus would be up to when he told his friends he was being studious. Today set him off the edge. For some reason, Remus seemed to intake every small detail about his best friend that he couldn't help but crave him. The way his hair looked that morning when woke up, unkempt, but ever so attractive. The way Sirius' sweater vest was fitted against his body, something Remus could never achieve with his bony figure. The dog-like laugh Sirius gave at breakfast when James mentioned something hilarious. The manner in which he asked Remus if he was okay when Sirius caught him staring in a daze in his direction. His cocky answers in Transfiguration. The way he casually titled his chair back in the classroom. Every little mannerism that Sirius did up until dinner was noticed by Remus, who knew he wasn't supposed to notice those things or crave the perfection that was always alongside him. He needed to tell himself that it was not his place to love his friend like that.

Remus rolled up his left sleeve, baring the horribly marred skin. He knew that most of his scars were from his own demons, but transforming into one helped explain them. He dug the blade out from inside his bedside dresser and pressed the cool tip of the knife against his skin.

The first cut was rather small, but enough to bleed. It was for Sirius, the perfect boy living a perfect life, without the knowledge of the torture he was putting Remus through.

The second was a bit longer and a bit deeper. It was to scold Remus for having carnal lust for his best friend. For his feeling of love and his demand of desire. It was for the pain that this love caused.

The third was the largest and the deepest. It was again for Sirius, but in a sense that Remus would never be able to have him and he needed to come to terms with that. He couldn't burn his impure thoughts of Sirius out of mind, forcing him to dig deeper with the blade, as the blood began to drip down his arm. Tears were forming in Remus' eyes; not from the pain of the blade, but the pain in his heart. He couldn't imagine his life without Sirius, but he suffered through life because of him. He needed him so badly. He needed Sirius just for him to tell him that he loved Remus and that Remus would get better from this state he was in. He needed Sirius to wrap his arms around him and tell him he could make it through this horrible thing called life. He would have dug the knife to the bone if it hadn't been for a voice that pierced through the silence of the room sharper than the blade itself.

"Remus?" questioned Sirius.

_Fuck,_ was all Remus could think as he panicked from Sirius' sudden appearance. _Keep calm. As long as he doesn't pull back the curtain, I'll be fine. "_Y- yeah," he choked out, from nervousness and from holding back the tears he was previously shedding. Despite the fact that Sirius had entered the room, Remus kept the knife pressed into his skin.

"Judging but the sounds, is potions killing you, mate?" Sirius asked nervously from behind the curtain. "Or are you having a quick wank before dinner, you sly bastard?"

Remus noticed a section of his curtain bunch up, undoubtedly from Sirius' grip on it. He panicked, unaware of what he should do with his bloodstained knife and dripping wrist.

Sirius began to pull back the curtain, thinking he was exposing his friend being a hormonal boy. "Of course you wouldn't ever want your friends to think that studiously little Moony was relieving his 'tension.' You had to come up with some bull shit lie to-" Sirius cut his sentence short when he saw a sight he would have never wanted to see in a million years.

"S- Sirius." The name burned Remus' tongue as he spoke. "Don't l-look at me," Remus's words came out through choking tears. He felt naked and exposed as he watched Sirius stare him down.

Sirius felt sick at the sight. The Remus he saw was not the Remus he knew. His face was a horrid shade of white, darkening the purple circles under his eyes. Tears stained his sallow cheeks and rimmed his eyelids with a puffy redness. His eyes, dull and lifeless, looked at him in what should have been a pleading fashion, but were rather pitiful and heart wrenching. His clothes seemed too big for his body, and his body looked frail, as if one touch would shatter him into a thousand pieces. And there was so much blood from the wound in which he was currently embedding the knife deeper and deeper. Blood running down his hand, staining his pants, his bed sheets, and the knife in his hand. Swallowing down the vomit, he begged through a mumbled tone, "Please, put the knife down," as he watched the world sway from the dizziness that swept over him. Tears were ready to spill from his eyes, but he told himself to stay calm for his friend.

Remus obeyed, too afraid not to. He watched Sirius leave his bedside and walk over to his own trunk in front of his own bed. Remus watched him dig around in the trunk, unsure of what he was doing. It was then that shiver of guilt curled down Remus' spine. He spoke without thought as he tried to talk to Sirius. "I-I. S- Sirius. Please listen to me. I've fucked up, but, but-"

"Here," Sirius said, walking back over and tossing an old sock in Remus' direction. "Just- Just cover it up so you don't bleed out or anything." He wasn't speaking cruelly; his voice carried no trace of emotion as he tried to hide his anger and sorrow for his friend. "I'm taking you to the Hospital Wing, whether you want me to or not."

Sullenly, Remus obliged, wrapping Sirius' large sock over his bony wrist. He struggled at tying both ends together with one hand, and Sirius noticed. Sirius took control as he knotted the sock over Remus' fragile wrist and offered him a hand to help him off the bed. Remus folded his left arm over his chest and took Sirius' outstretched hand with his other and weakly pushed himself off the bed. The two quietly left the dormitory together.


	2. Let Me Go

**Author's Note: Well, here's the next chapter. It's awfully short, but it's where I wanted to cut it off until the next part.**

**I'm sorry that this appears to be blab because of my choice of writing. To be honest, I'm not one for dialogue, just read my other stories. I feel like dialogue could ruin a story if it doesn't come out right. And besides, Remus was alone for the most part. This comes from personal experience. I know what this is like and I know I'm not thinking about dialogue when I've self-harmed in the past. I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't take my reviews well, but I know my style of writing contains less dialogue, and that's something I like about my work.**

**Also, I realized I said this wouldn't be porn, but I realized that 9 out of 10 times, that's what the audience wants, you kinky little bastards. So if I get reviews positively begging for something, then maybe I will. I just didn't want people to see "Remus and Sirius" and automatically think boysex.**

**And lastly, as I wrote this, I realized that I said that Remus has cut himself before. In this chapter, I have him reacting to the silver from the knife. My reasoning is because he never cut that deep and he never washed the cut. If you have a problem with my logic, then that's okay with me. But that's my logic and I'm sticking with it.**

**Thank you for the reviews and please keep them coming! Because I saw that some people have this story alerted to them. You guys should review. One review is great, but it won't afford the cup o' noodles I'll live off of when I'm dying in college.**

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><p>The walk to the Hospital Wing was agonizingly silent. Remus never wanted anyone to find him dwelling in his darkened mind, let alone Sirius. He was feeling rather frail as he walked alongside Sirius, believing that it was from the silver of the knife. He had never cut that deep before, which is why he followed that logic. Werewolves were rumored to have fatal reactions to silver in their bloodstream. Nothing seemed to bother Remus before, but judging by how harsh he embedded the blade into his skin, he could tell how much he fucked himself up this time. <em>It doesn't matter anymore,<em> he thought. _I would be willing to leave this world. One way or another, Sirius will hate me in the end. If I don't tell him my reasoning behind this, there will be hell to pay. If I do tell him, he will be disgusted at the fact that I was in love with him. I'd be better off dead._

Sirius never wanted to strangle Remus this bad in his entire life. He couldn't grasp why his friend was so terribly lost and afraid that he resorted in a knife for comfort. He had friends there for him, who loved him and cared for him. They were willing to listen to him, watch him expose his heart, his feelings and show them all the boy who was suffering. He couldn't even find a way to ask Remus why he was tortured, or for how long. He felt horrible for not noticing that his friend had been hurt, and what made matters worse was his stupid joke before he found him. _Why would I say something moronic like that?_ pondered Sirius. _Potions wasn't killing him and neither was he 'tension.' Why the fuck couldn't I have said something normal at least? Why couldn't I have noticed that something deeper was killing him for so long?_

Neither boy wanted to be the first to speak. They were both confused and lost for words. Finally, after what had felt like hours, Sirius mustered up the courage to speak, deciding that Remus wouldn't want to talk to him anyway. "Erm. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you done-no been-well- like this?" asked Sirius, his sentence lacking structure as he awkwardly phrased what he said to sound calm. He couldn't say harsh words yet. He couldn't yell at him for his stupidity and selfishness. He couldn't shake him by the shoulders and beg for the answers he so terribly needed. He couldn't use force to get Remus to talk. He couldn't do anything he wished to do, not while Remus looked like he was ready to fall back into his grave.

Remus, who was still cupping his right elbow with his left hand, turned his lifeless focus onto Sirius and stared for a moment. Finally, his pale, chapped lips parted. "Dunno. About two years," he mumbled, turning his focus forward again.

Sirius couldn't believe it. _Two years,_ he thought in amazement._ Two fucking years of silence and self-harm and I never caught on. No one caught on. James. Pete. Not even fucking Evans or McGonagall or anyone. _He wanted to respond by saying all that he thought, but a quiet "Oh," was all he could muster.

More agonizing silence. Remus began to feel extraordinarily weak. He dragged his feet as his eyes fought to stay open. His insides were twisting and turning themselves in knots, making him feel clammy and nauseous. "'M not feeling too well. You should've left me there so I wouldn't waste your time."

"And what? Let you fucking die?" Sirius snapped back.

Remus looked down towards the floor, vision blurring with that slight movement of his head. The dizziness was enough to leave Remus feeling like he might faint; whether it be from the blood loss or the silver, he was unsure. _At least my chances of living seem slim,_ he grimly thought.

Remus' silence was enough to tell Sirius that he did wish to die. Fighting the urge to yell once again, Sirius let out a small sigh before saying, "Hang in there, mate. At least till the Hospital Wing. We're almost there and Poppy will take good care of you. I'll fucking carry you if I have to."

And soon enough, the two boys ended up at the Hospital Wing. Sirius watched Madame Pomfrey take Remus into her arms, almost like a child seeking comfort from a mother. He looked so much like an outcast. His face was more lifeless than when Sirius found him. Any existing light in his eyes had vanished. The purple under his eyelids could have been easily mistaken for bruises. Sirius knew he should have stayed to make sure that Madame Pomfrey was able to nurse Remus back to health, but he also knew he needed to get James and Peter. It was too difficult for him to take all this in alone. The more he tried to understand, the more he wanted to yell at Remus. He needed the other two boys to help comfort their friend as well. Turning abruptly on his heels, Sirius stormed out of the Hospital Wing to gather James and Peter, hoping that Remus would be better when he returned.


	3. Be The First To Say I'm Sorry

**Author's Note: **

**Oh hey look, another chapter! I channeled my inner Remus Lupin and ate some Nutella as I wrote this.  
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**To all those who read this fiction without reviewing: Please review for my life. There is an unhealthy balance between reviews and an author of a fanfiction. You see, if the author gives and gives and gives to a fanfiction that only gets a few reviews, they manage to survive because they are grateful that someone reviewed their work. But over time, if the reviews stay the same, fanfiction writers slowly die. And, if I die, you won't get the next chapter...**

**The choice is yours, loves.**

**I apologize to any silent readers that read this chapter. As I was editing I left the last two chapters in the doc manager for this chapter only and updated it with both of those chapters added. Oops.  
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><p>The anger pulsated through Sirius' veins as he walked as fast as he could to the Great Hall. He couldn't get Remus out of his mind. The torn flesh upon Remus' skin and the scars that followed alongside it. The sickliness resting in his bones and the sorrow eating away at his heart. He thought of Remus' death wish, the one that he would have gladly accepted if it came down to it. The troubled boy almost fulfilled it, too. If Sirius hadn't thought he was stupid for forgetting his wand in the dormitory, Remus would have been dead, or close to it, for that matter. The very thought of Remus' lifeless corpse, collapsed on his bed, clothes soaked in his own blood, sent a horrible chill down Sirius' spine. He did not want to even think about it.<p>

As every inch of Remus' tortured body swam through his brain, Sirius tried to think of a time when he could see his friend's suffering. He thoroughly believed that Remus silently struggled through his hardships. Remus was known for being rather quiet and taking everything in, without uttering anything about it. The boys never knew about Remus' lycanthropy until they actually had to figure it out. Sirius thought that a warning sign of Remus' destructive behavior could have been on that night, when they finally confronted the boy about his monthly problem.

_"Hello, Remus. How's your mum?" questioned the second year James_ _as Remus entered the Gryffindor boys dormitory. James, along with Peter and Sirius, were sitting on Sirius' bed, the one closest to their fourth friend's. The three boys were rather scared to confront their friend with what they had figured out about him, but James felt more confident about addressing Remus first, trying to hide the nervous quiver in his tone of voice with a choppy chuckle._

_Remus' pale face looked worn and his stance showed signs of restlessness. His body ached from the night before, from the transformation that cracked his bones as he became the werewolf. There was a rather large gash across his stomach that the wolf had left. Although the pain had become rather dull after his night in the Hospital Wing, it made him wince with every inhale._ _"She's alright. Rather worse than from my last visit. Nonetheless, she's still alright."_ _He knew his mother never had this rare illness he created, but it was the only lie that worked well enough to explain his absences._

_However, James, Peter and Sirius knew that this was a lie, unlike the previous times Remus spoke of it to them. "Well, send her our regards," James responded._

_"She'd love to know that you all care," Remus responded, knowing too well that his mother could care less if his friends were concerned for her health._

_Sirius was the next to speak after James broke the tension. "You look a little ill yourself, Rem. Are you alright?"_

_"Who? Me? Oh, yes. I'm fine. It was just, you know another stressful visit is all," Remus responded with nervousness etched across his face, but hidden in his voice._

_"Speaking about your visits, did you ever notice a sort of pattern with them, mate?" asked Sirius, standing up off the bed as he spoke. "You know, when you leave and when you come back, something like that?"_

_"Patterns? No, I never really noticed anything like that."_

_"Really? Because James, Pete and I were noticing something strange," Sirius answered, slowing walking over to Remus._

_"Oh really. What, pray tell, did you notice?" Remus couldn't look at any of the boys staring him down. He was afraid that any slight gesture would show them that their guesses on Remus' being were accurate. Instead, he fixed his gaze upon the floor._

_"Well, for starters. You always leave right before a full moon. And then you come back about two days after you left, looking rather sickly, as though you were dying of your mother's illness. Do you get what I'm trying to say here?" Sirius asked, now standing directly in front of Remus, whose eyes were still lowered from the piercing glares of the other boys._

_"No, I don't," Remus lied. He didn't want to be the one to say it._

_"You thought we wouldn't find out. But we started to pick up on your behavior this year. We did our research. We studied lunar calendars. Remus, we know you're a werewolf. You can't hide it from us anymore."_

_Remus felt a sudden wetness form among his eyelids. He couldn't speak, for fear that his voice would show his weakness. He gave a slight nod of his head to indicate that the three boys were right before heading over to his bed and opening his trunk. He walked over to his night stand and started taking his belongings out of the drawers._

_"What are you doing?" questioned James, who was now standing next to Sirius, with Peter tailing behind him._

_"I'll go to Dumbledore straight away. I'll tell him I have to leave. I'll tell him it's for my own health, I was going crazy or something. I'll tell him I was borderline suicidal or something like that and he'd have to send me out of here. I don't want you guys to get in trouble for figuring it out, but I can't risk being here anymore. Your knowledge is enough to get the ministry here to take me away and kill me. But, if you promise me that you won't tell anyone, I won't have to tell Dumbledore that you all know. And I'll be out of your lives before you know it." Remus spoke as he tried to quickly pack his trunk to be out of everyone's way._

_Sirius placed his hand on Remus' shoulder to get him to stop. "Remus, we- we don't want you to leave. Stop. We just-" He didn't know what to say. He felt stupid for cornering Remus like that. "Look, Remus. We were angry when we finally pieced it together during the past month. Back then, if we told you all we knew, we probably would've let you walk out the door. We were mostly angry because you never told us, your friends. It hurt, not knowing the truth, and pure blood prejudice made us more bitter. We've been avoiding you for the past month because we knew that if we spoke to you, we could have well exploded in a rage. But we're fine now. Just hurt is all. Hurt because you couldn't tell us. But we don't want you to leave."_

_Remus turned around from his trunk and stared at Sirius, wide eyes waiting for a "We're just kidding. Get out." When that didn't happen, the tears he worked so hard to hold back, began to rush down his face. As Sirius pulled him in for a tight embrace (which James and Peter joined in as well), Remus continued to let out a muffled "I'm sorry."_

The memory didn't come off to Sirius as a warning sign. Sure, Remus mentioned that he would tell Dumbledore he was suicidal and crazy, but it was what he thought would get him out of Hogwarts the fastest. _It was a good start, but it's not the right memory,_ thought Sirius, as he continued to rush to the Great Hall.

It was frustrating to Sirius, knowing that he couldn't even find something in the past that would have led him to see Remus' tortured self. But, the harder he thought, the clearer a vague memory pressed into his mind. A memory from the beginning of the school term that he thought nothing of until today.

"_Rough night, eh?" said Sirius as he, James and Peter walked into the Hospital Wing and over to Remus. It was the morning after the first full moon of the school year, which occurred far too close to their first day back. Remus was curled up in his usual bed, looking weary and in need of much sleep. Madame Pomfrey placed fresh pajamas on the corner by Remus' feet and desperately tried to shoo the three other boys away to give her patient the privacy he deserved._

"_Yeah," was all Remus could muster before forcing his sore body up into a sitting position. "Don't worry, Poppy," he added through pain filled gasps as his joints popped from stiffness. "If they get uncomfortable seeing me change, it's their own bloody fault."_

_With an exasperated sigh, Madame Pomfrey, left the boys in their standing positions around Remus._

_Remus removed the bloodstained clothing off of his body, starting with his shirt. As he reached for the pajamas placed on his bed, Sirius noticed thin, red lines running across Remus' forearms. "Fuck, mate. Seems like the night was too cruel to you. Look at all the cuts," he muttered under his breath. Even though he, Peter and James roamed the night with Remus as animagi, Sirius had to make it out like he didn't know anything firsthand, since what the boys were doing was illegal. However, Sirius didn't notice how harsh Remus' full moon night was as he followed the wolf around as the dog. His lack of knowledge couldn't possible give anything away, but he still spoke in a hushed manner._

_Remus looked at Sirius with wide eyes, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Quickly, he threw the pajama top over his head to hide the wounds. "Yeah. Pretty bad one," he replied through a nervous tone. "Listen. I feel like I might crash any second. You guys should head off for breakfast, and I'll see you all when Poppy deems me ready to leave." As he spoke, he held the cuffs of the sleeves in his hands, for fear of exposing the marred flesh once again, although, none of the boys seemed to notice that small action. Remus proceed to push the boys out, demanding that they let him be._

"_Strange," stated James as they walked out of the Hospital Wing. "He never acted like that before, pushing us out I mean."_

"_You know, Moony," Sirius responded with a grin. "Always has to be the fallen hero. Can't take any help from his friends."_

Back then, Sirius only saw Remus' wounds as a result from the full moon. There were most likely a few from that night, but he never thought that the rest of them were self inflicted. Why would he? Remus' shirt was bloodstained. There was dried blood that lingered on his arms. It was the day after Remus' transformation. If Sirius thought anything other than "werewolf," his idea would be shot down as ridiculous.

But now Sirius noticed what really happened. The lines on Remus' skin, too straight to be from claws. The worry and panic that swept over him as Sirius pointed out his wounds. It all seemed natural at the moment, but now it felt sick. He was utterly guilty for not thinking anything of it and shoving the memory onto the back-burner of his mind.

And his comment to James was ever so accurate. Remus was acting like a fallen hero who couldn't take help from his friends. He only joked about Remus like that before, but now it was true. He didn't show his suffering, nor did he want to. That's why no one caught on; Remus worked his best to keep it all a secret. Sirius thought that his friend was being rather selfish in that decision. _Remus knew damn well that any one of us would help him,_ he thought angrily. _Why couldn't the fucking bastard see that? _

In what felt like seconds, Sirius finally arrived at the Great Hall. He entered and began to walk to the Marauder's usual seats at the Gryffindor table. The rage boiling under his skin was still present when he approached James and Peter, who were currently stuffing their faces with the delicious food Hogwarts had to offer.

"Listen," said Sirius in a rather loud voice. "We have a problem with Remus. Can you come with me?"

James and Peter looked at their friend with large eyes filled with concern. Quietly, the two stopped shoveling the food into their mouths, rose out of their seats and began to follow Sirius out of the Great Hall, saving their questions until they were away from the other students.


	4. Hear Me Out

**Author's Note:**

**Hello loves! Guess who is back for a bit! Me! (You can call me Lily-Joe if you'd like, just so we know that I have a name. However that isn't my real name, so if you want to call me Victoria that's okay too. I just love using Lily-Joe, and it's too long of a story to explain).**

**Anyways, I give you this next installment of "You're Not In This Alone," with a terrible cliff-hanger. One that I do not regret.**

**I do hope you review, those of you who read stories without reviewing. Because I feel like everyone should review a story they read. Then the world will be one happy place.**

**Thank you to everyone else who has reviewed. You mean the world to me for doing that, and not in a creepy way.**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I cried when I wrote it, so I hope you all feel something as well.**

**Post. Script. I guess I should mention this, since I never did. DISCLAIMER: I am in no way, shape or form Jo Ro, nor will I ever be Jo Ro. Thank you, disclaimer, for making me depressed by this fact.**

**Also, I will post the next chapter either tonight or tomorrow. If I get some reviews today, I'll type it up today so I can post it tonight. If I don't, I don't mind, because that means I can sleep. I had college orientation yesterday and today and I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep because of that and from the Deathly Hallows midnight showing. Just letting you all know.  
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><p>As the three boys walked out of the Great Hall, a small <em>click, clack<em> sound began to follow them. Sirius growled, "Evans, what the fuck are you doing?" as though he had eyes plastered on the back of his head. He didn't want her here, not now anyway. She couldn't see their Remus, his Remus, that tortured. She would never understand a damned thing, regardless of the fact that none of them ever noticed the hell their friend was struggling through. Because at least the boys were able to help Remus once a month, something that Sirius took pride in and knew that Lily Evans could never bask in that same feeling, meaning that she could never understand. "You could keep your lousy nose out of other people's business every once in a while, preferably starting now."

Lily made a sound that showed her complete discontent with Sirius. "I'll have you know, Black, as much as it may kill you down inside, as much as you choose to ignore the facts, and as much you allow yourself to be stubborn, I am friends with Remus. When you mentioned his name, I couldn't help but follow because he's _my_ friend too, Black. And I don't care if you like it or not. "

Sirius didn't want to listen to another one of Lily's lectures. Not now at least. Maybe if Remus was healthy and fine and happy and stable, he could drown out her speech and give a nod or two every so often, just to piss her off even more. But not today. Today was different and he found himself rather angry at everything. "Evans, I'm not going to let you tag along so I can get an earful of your bitching. Could you please shut the fuck up?"

Lily stopped dead in her tracks with the dirtiest look on her face, one that looked as though she had been slapped across the face.

"Sirius," spoke James through an annoyed voice, running a hand through his ruffled hair. "Watch it." He was being earnest, knowing that there is a time and place to curse in front of a girl, and now was neither of the two. Nervously, James changed the subject. "What's wrong with Remus?"

Sirius' heart began to pound against his chest when James mentioned their friend's name. How was he going to tell them what happened? He didn't know if he should wait until they reached the Hospital Wing or if he should just spit it out. He figured that telling them first would be best; they would be able to prepare themselves before they entered the Hospital Wing, unlike Sirius when he found Remus with that damned blade.

"Sirius?" asked James as his friend sat in prolonged silence.

"Alright," he finally spoke, deciding to just go with how the story will unfold as he speaks. "Well, you remember how I forgot my wand and called myself an idiot? And how I ran back for it? Well, when I went up into the dormitory, Remus had the curtains drawn around his bed and he was, well, breathing kind of- um- strange, which I thought was odd, since he said he was staying behind to work on potions. And I pulled the curtain back, because I thought he was doing the thing boys enjoy most, and I thought it would be funny if I found him like that, you know, exposed and in the heat of the moment. But when I pulled the curtain back, after I made a joke about his sexual tension, he was sitting there on his bed, with- well, he had. There were tears in his eyes. And well he looked like death. And he seemed helpless. And scared. And weak. And he- well- he was-" Sirius couldn't say it. Thinking about it began to bother him in a different way than before. He felt his eyelids become wet with tears. He could not believe it. Not the fact that he was crying, but the fact that this was all real, and he was the one that would have to tell everyone about it. And he thought about how sickly Remus appeared when he left him in the hands of Madame Pomfrey, and the fact that he could be dead right now. He thought how his friend was most likely lying stone cold and rigid in his usual bed after his full moon nights. It all came crashing down on Sirius at that moment, and he didn't know if he could handle this terrible truth. "He was cutting himself." Those four words escaped from Sirius' lips in a hushed whisper as he wiped his eyes to prevent the tears from spilling.

No one spoke. James looked down to the floor. When he brought his head back up, his expression was calm, but deep inside, he couldn't figure out what Sirius had told him and how this all happened, a reaction the mirrored Sirius' when he found Remus. Peter was quiet, but not his usual quiet. He was also confused. He always thought of Remus as the stable one in the group, despite his werewolf problem. Knowing what Sirius said was difficult to grasp, and he wanted the proof in front of him to actually believe it. Lily had nothing to say. She was quietly crying with her head hanging and flaming red hair covering her face and tears. James put his hand on her back, and tried to calm her down. It was the first time Lily didn't shove James, the arrogant bullying toe rag she frequently called Potter, away.

James was still in that position when he spoke. "Did he say how long he was doing it?"

Sirius found it ridiculously insane how he and James were reacting the same way, minus the comforting of Lily. He couldn't get Remus' name out. It sounded unfamiliar and strange when he tried to say it. "He told me about two years," he finally managed, opting for the pronoun.

Lily's quiet sobs became a tiny bit louder when Sirius said that. It wasn't an obnoxious type of crying. It was concern in the best way Lily Evans could show it. James then asked Sirius if Remus intended to end it all.

"Dunno, mate. I asked him and he said he never intended to end it, but if it came down to it, he wouldn't've cared."

"Wow," was all James could muster.

"When, I left him there, he was feeling sick and I could tell he was finding it hard to walk and stand. Do you think it could've been the silver, or blood loss, or something?" Sirius asked, desperately hoping that one of the three people he was walking with could give him some kind of hope.

James shrugged his shoulders, as did Peter. They turned their focus on Lily, who was struggling to stop her tears. When she finally calmed down, she spoke a few simple phrases to the boys. "If it's the silver, Madame Pomfrey would have a remedy for that. If it's blood loss, Madame Pomfrey would also have something ready. If it's anything else, Remus will be good hands."

The first two results were very relieving for the boys. As for the third, Sirius wasn't sure if Lily meant something good or bad. He thought she wasn't sure either, because of the way she worded it. She never mentioned who would take care of Remus, but Sirius prayed that it would be Madame Pomfrey.

The group arrived at the Hospital Wing in a daze. They were fearful to find what would await them when they entered. They hoped for the best when they opened the doors and walked in.

They found their friend curled up on his usual bed. He was lying on his left side, a position the Marauders knew as his favorite. That was because his hair would stay neatly in place as he rested rather than being tossed into a disheveled mess similar to the one that James flaunted. He was still dressed in his uniform and his sleeves were still rolled up. Traces of his own blood soiled the fabric of his shirt and slacks. The details about their friend changed as they came closer to him, allowing them to take in a more horrid perspective of Remus. He was such a sickly shade of white that his skin almost appeared translucence. Tears were dried along his cheeks. There were dried flecks of blood around his chapped lips. His left hand, which was almost hidden from the position he was in, also had its fair share of the dried crimson liquid (Sirius knew that was because of all the blood that dripped down his palm from the torn flesh, but it still startled him). And right before a bustling Madame Pomfrey shoved them aside and pulled the curtain around the bed, they noticed something rather morbid and all the more depressing. They weren't sure if their minds were playing tricks on them or if what they saw was accurate. They didn't need to speak of what they were witnessing because it was all clear to them. Lily raised her hands over her mouth as she tried to silence her weeping and the other three stood there with their own expressions of fear. The four of them stood outside the curtain as they tried to grasp the concept that Remus did not appear to be breathing. All they could do was wait in silence for Madame Pomfrey to deliver the horrible news to them.


	5. If You Take Me Down

**Author's Note:**

**Well loves. This is most likely the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed the story. I enjoyed writing it.**

**I say that this may be the last chapter because I'm not sure if I want to write an epilogue for this. Some happy fluff or smut or both.**

**But, I will mark this as complete until I decide.**

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. Feel free to keep them coming!**

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><p>Each minute of waiting was very difficult for the four students standing around the curtained bed in the Hospital Wing. As soon as Madame Pomfrey would slip outside the curtains, they knew that they would here the news about their friend. Sirius couldn't believe it. The Remus he knew until today was strong, so how could he let himself slip away like that. <em>It's all my fucking fault,<em> thought the raven haired boy, rubbing his hands over his face. _If only I got there sooner. Why couldn't I have gotten there sooner. This is no one's fault but my own._ It was the soft voice of the woman behind the curtain that drew Sirius, as well as the other's, from his thoughts to focus on what she was saying behind the curtain.

"Remus, dear. You need to take this. You seemed to be more settled with your stomach, so the silver should almost be out of your system. I just need you to take this for me. You'll feel better, dear."

The four kids couldn't believe. Remus was alive after all. Madame Pomfrey nursed him back to health and he would be better. Hearing that was greater than any other feeling in the world. Sirius never felt so relieved. He had to talk to Remus now. It was urgent. Sirius had questions that demanded answers. The moment Madame Pomfrey came out from behind the curtain, Sirius looked her straight in the eye and begged, "I need to talk to him." He still couldn't find it in him to say his friend's name, despite the good news.

Madame Pomfrey looked weary. Her hair was falling out of place and her face was noticeably tear stained. Remus was her favorite student and cared for him like a mother. Sirius knew that she had to have gone to every last resort to treat Remus, and the heartache of it all must have taken a toll on her. In a soft and shaky voice, Madame Pomfrey responded to Sirius' request. "Mr. Black, I am afraid that Remus is rather weak at the moment and it would be best to his well being that you returned tomorrow. He should be able to handle visitors by then. For now, he just needs his rest."

Sirius wasn't going to take that answer. He couldn't. "Madame Pomfrey, I really need to talk to Remus. It can't wait until tomorrow. We all have to talk to him today. Right guys?" he asked, turning his focus to the three others behind him. They nodded slowly in agreement.

Madame Pomfrey was filled with worry for her patient, but she felt as though she had to let the four go to their friend's bedside. "Alright, but try not to overwhelm him." She barely finished speaking before Sirius dashed over and behind the curtain to Remus' side. He was soon followed by the others.

They found out a few things about Remus' state when they surrounded him. Firstly, the blood around his lips was a result of the silver leaving his body as he spit up blood. Secondly, he unrolled his sleeves and held the cuffs down to hide the wound. Thirdly, they noticed that he was softly crying, even though he couldn't bring himself to look at the others.

Sirius decided to speak first, whether the others cared or not. "Why the fuck did you go and do this, Remus?" he asked, trying to hide the harshness in his voice, but failing just a bit. The name slipped off his tongue, yet it felt so difficult to use it.

Remus shakily breathed in before slowly exhaling. "Dunno," was his response, eyes fixed away from Sirius's glare, which was digging into him because he could not look at the other boy.

"'Dunno,' isn't an answer, Remus. You have to tell me." James, Peter and Lily were staring at Sirius with widened eyes of disbelief. After everything Remus went through today, the others did not think it was right for Sirius to talk to him like that. They watched Sirius walk over to Remus and lower himself to look at eye level with the tired boy. "You can tell me, Rem. I'm here for you."

Remus shifted his bloodshot, hazel eyes to focus on Sirius' dark gray pair, a sign that the other boy was angry, most likely because Remus wouldn't open up to his friend. Despite Sirius' underlying anger, Remus muttered, "I can't tell you. You wouldn't understand," as he shifted his eyes away once more. Remus knew that Sirius would never understand. It wasn't as if desire for your best male friend was an every day thing. Sirius would be absolutely disgusted if Remus ever told him, and he was not up to ruining their friendship.

Before Sirius could make a remark, Lily softly spoke to keep the enraged boy from regretting what he would say. "It's a good thing you're alright, Remus," said the red head as she worked her hardest to fight back her tears. As Remus moaned in pain when he shifted into a sitting position, Lily couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "Barely," Remus responded before quickly telling Lily that she had no reason to cry for a worthless fool like him.

"Barely?" snarled Sirius. "_Barely?_ Lupin, either you tell me what's wrong now or I will smack some sense into that thick skull of yours." He could not believe that Remus responded to Lily like that, even if Sirius was not so fond of the little goody-goody. She only wanted to make him feel better and he couldn't handle that.

"I can't tell you, Black!" Remus shouted back. It took him all his energy to respond like that. He slowly pulled his knees up to his chest, wincing slightly from pain once more, and rested his elbows there. Cupping his face with his palms, Remus let out a heavy sigh. "I just. You won't understand. You'll never understand."

Sirius was very agitated at this point. _Who is he to say that I can't understand? It's my fucking job to understand. _"Remus, why won't I understand. Is it because I'm not a werewolf? Is it because I've never self harmed? Is it because I could ignore my bastard parents while you let your parents' hatred eat away at you? Come on, Remus. Why the bloody fuck won't I understand you?"

"It's because you aren't gay!" Remus blurted out, head still in his hands as tears began to flow, muffling his voice. Remus believed that there was no point in trying to hide who he was in love with; he knew Sirius would demand what boy could torture him to the point of self harm. "You aren't in love with your friend, Sirius. I- I love you and you will never understand the hell I'm in." Remus lifted his head to find Sirius staring at him with a strange look of shock. "Yeah, that's right, Sirius. I'm a faggot for you. If you only knew what it's like not to tell anyone, then you'd understand. If you knew what it's like to watch the person you love fucking some broad that couldn't give him the time of the day, you would understand what it's like. I turned to the fucking knife to stop thinking about you. I could never have you, so I shouldn't think about you in any way other than as a friend. I never wanted to kill myself, until you came in the room today. I thought if I died, you wouldn't have to have to worry about a fucking poof that was head over heals in love with you. That's why I'm barely lucky. Now I have to live with the fact that I told you all this. You're probably fucking freaked out. I'll understand if you don't ever want to talk to me."

"Just shut up, you fucking idiot," Sirius snapped. "Don't you ever think I won't talk to you because of who you are. I'm sorry that was like that years ago, but I mean it. Don't you ever think of killing yourself. I'd never be able to cope with the fact that no one could save you. And don't ever tell me that I don't love you. Because I do, and I'm sorry it never came off like that. I'm sorry my confusion led me to the broads. I'm sorry, Remus. I'm sorry. But never think that you're in this alone. Because I love you." Sirius grabbed Remus by his bony frame and crashed his lips onto the boy's chapped pair. Remus, although stunned at first, eventually gave into the kiss. It didn't feel false to Remus. It felt as though Sirius genuinely meant this kiss and every word he told him. Remus was still crying as Sirius forcefully continued to kiss him, desperate to prove his love to the boy. Remus' head swirled trying to grasp this.

The sound of a throat being cleared was heard and the two boys instantly broke apart. "Well. Glad you're okay Moony. You had us worried," said James as he nervously ran a hand through his hair. Lily was beaming; she knew that her friend was already recovering. And Pete was Pete, but he, too, was grateful that Remus was okay. "Well, see you later, Rem," James awkwardly added while Lily pushed the two boys out.

There were still tears in Remus' eyes after the three left, despite the slightly comical exit of their friends. He wanted to believe this was all real and that his need for Sirius' love was finally being fulfilled, but it all seemed like a dream. _Maybe I died,_ Remus thought. _Maybe this is the afterlife. Maybe that's why Sirius loves me back. _But when Sirius opened his arms to embrace the boy, Remus realized he was alive. His heart was fluttering to fast for him to be dead. "I'm sorry I never told you," Sirius continued to mutter as he worked to calm Remus down. But he knew Remus would be safe now; Remus would never hurt again. Sirius would make sure of it. It had to be his job now.

Once Remus calmed down a bit, Sirius helped Remus lay himself down onto the bed. "You need to rest," he said softly, pressing his lips onto the other boy's clammy forehead.

Remus reached for Sirius to stay with him. He couldn't have him leaving him so soon. Not when things were starting to feel alright. "Please," he begged with pleading eyes that were almost on the verge of tears once again.

Sirius lowered himself onto the bed and allowed Remus to place his head onto his chest. "I will always stay. You won't ever be in this alone," he repeated, caressing the brown locks that swept across Remus' forehead. "I promise," Sirius added, intending to be true to his statement. Soon enough, Remus had drifted asleep. His weak and weary body couldn't handle being away from rest. The whole experience left Remus feeling drowsy, allowing him to succumb to sleep rather quickly. His soft breathing tickled Sirius' chest, which put a smile on his face. Sirius noted how peaceful Remus looked in his arms, at ease from the terrible day he endured. "I won't let you suffer anymore," Sirius whispered, before kissing the top of Remus' head. Soon enough, Sirius joined Remus in that peaceful state of mind.


End file.
